Random Thoughts of a Heart Mom

We had an amazing Mended Little Hearts meeting tonight. Our 3 leaders live in different towns and only really get to see each other once a month. It has always made planning for the group a bit difficult. We had a leaders meeting tonight and were able to sit down and talk about our goals and the future of the group. It was so nice to be able to sit and talk face to face instead of phone calls, emails and texts. We also had a member of UVa staff there who is one of the main organizers of the UVa peds Heart Center and it was wonderful to get input from her about the things that we are doing and what we can do to improve our relationship with the inpatients we support. We talked more about the food bags that I wrote about last night and what we can do to get more food and more donations. I am so excited about everything we talked about tonight!

I have been in a bit of a funk lately.

The other day I realized it was April. More specifically, it is April and in a few weeks it will be Owee’s 3rd birthday. I have written, several times about how hard April and May are for me, how I struggle to celebrate his life when images and memories of the days and weeks after he was born haunt me.

Now while I have been thinking about his next surgery coming up in June and everything known and unknown about what will happen then, now I am slipping back into that April-May funk. The up-down days of random emotions.

I am better prepared this year than I have been in the past. I know what to expect.

Last April when Wee Nut was sick and ended up in the hospital for the second time in 2 months, he decided that he is unable to go to bed without first cuddling on the couch with me. That is a complete turn around from the way he I used to tuck him into bed and he would roll over and go to sleep.

There was a short time when I was starting to get frustrated and annoyed that he wouldn’t just go to bed. It makes my days so much longer that I have to stop everything and cuddle with him before I can finish my day. For the longest time I had to wait until he was in a deep sleep, and often even after an hour, he would start crying when I tried to put him in bed.

My cuddle time with my little Owee every night is one of my favorite parts of my day. I am so tired. I have to stop everything. I love it. It forces me to finish my day early, to walk away from everything and curl up on the couch with him. I watch him sleep, drooling on me. I smell his hair.

Sometimes I worry, if I don’t do it now, I might not be able to do it later. I hate those thoughts. Owee’s doctors are amazing. They are amazing. They are brilliant.

But I still worry. The unknown. It taunts me, sneaking into my thoughts.

Now Owee will cuddle with me and willingly go to bed after awhile. Now I am the one who has a hard time letting go.