I met Cheryl years ago when I started working from home doing a job that had me sitting at my computer waiting for phone calls to come in so I could answer them and read the script in front of me. Somehow I stumbled upon a site called Work Place Like Home, and immediately felt at home! At WPLH I found hundreds of WAHMs who were hanging out chatting the day away as they worked from home on their computers, helping each other find jobs, spot scam jobs, ask questions and find friendship in the world of WAHJs. My friends there were fun to hang out with, passing the time playing silly games, sharing stories and supporting each other in hard times and sad times. They were the first online friends I turned to when Owee was born and ended up in the NICU. I felt the love and support that they offered. My life has changed greatly since that time and I don’t work the same WAH types of jobs that I used to and don’t seem to ever have the time to just go there to hang out.
There are a few people who I have stayed connected to from WPLH in the past 2 1/2 years since my little Wee Nut was born, and Cheryl has been one of them. On the rare occasions that I have a few minutes to stop in to WPLH, I check in on her to see how she is doing. And I always have an eye out for her in my Twitter stream. She had an old blog, that I try to check in on to catch up on how she is doing that she told me today that she has “outgrown” and has created a new one. Her new blog 4 Girls, 1 Boy, 2 Parents is literally brand new, a very young 3 weeks old. I love her sense of humor and her style of writing, which you will have a chance to check out as her new blog grows. She has a beautiful newborn baby girl and I am hoping for some good photos on her blog soon (hint hint)
I am honored to share Cheryl’s Postpartum Depression story with you at The Nut House
I’d say it all began after the birth of my second daughter, but that’d probably be a lie. It probably started well before that. In fact the signs were there shortly after the birth of my first. Isolation anxiety, fear, happy, sad, flip flop flip flop. That’s been me for years.
For 9 years I’ve been okay only to relapse. I’ve taken medication and I’ve quit medication because I was “all better”. What a joke, there’s never been an “all better”, there’s been a better then yesterday. But, there’s also been a lot of worse then last months too.
With the birth of each of my subsequent children the emotions have gotten stronger and stronger. But, I’ve also become better at hiding them from the outside world and more importantly from myself. If I can hide them from myself it makes it easier to hide them from those who surround me.
They notice. They comment. I laugh them off and tell them they’re the crazy ones not me.
I bottle it all up deep inside until it bubbles to the surface. This is not good for anyone, especially those around me when I finally do overflow.
But, it is who I am, and it is something I will probably battle from now until the end of my time. I wish I could have been one of the lucky ones who didn’t suffer. Or even one of the lucky ones who only suffer the “baby blues” for a short while.
I’m not. I’m one of those who will suffer continually. All I can do is try for my children and myself not to let it consume me. I own it, it don’t own me. Easier said then believed most of the time.
Today is one of those days. A day I want to crawl inside myself and escape. I can tell a bad, bad day is coming because today I have NO emotion. I feel numb today, no sadness, no happiness, just existence. This is usually indicative of bad to come. The calm before the storm.
But, tomorrow things may be better or they may be worse. But for today I will deal with numb, tomorrow I will deal with whatever the new day brings me. I pray tomorrow brings peace and joy, but if it don’t I’ll meet whatever it brings me head on. I have to. After all I’m the mom and they all depend on me and if I can’t do it for myself, I have to do it for them.
If you are a Postpartum Depression Survivor, and wish to share your story, you can find all the details at The Nut House Community. Sharing Your Voice is a weekly feature at The Nut House and visiting authors share their stories on Mondays.